Qualifications necessary to become a station rank
taxi driver:


First and foremost, you must be a fat bugger, eat lots
of greasy junk food, chips, burgers, kebabs etc., never
eat proper meals; if hungry between snacks top up with
Mars bars or similar; on your annual day off go on a
bender on wicked strength euro-fizz lager.

Appearance and personal grooming are all-important; hair
is strictly optional but if you have any, have lots.
Washing/combing should be kept to a minimum;
a slicked back style is recommended for long days
in the cab - chip fat or engine oil is ideal for this.

Points can be scored for the most original/repulsive
body odours, or alternatively bonus points may be
awarded for aftershaves/deodorants etc. that smell like
Turkish brothels or tarts' window boxes. Cleaning of
teeth is discouraged (possession of teeth is strictly
optional).

The correct clothing is a must. T-shirts or sweat
shirts (sweat mandatory) must have a liberal coating
of the previous takeaway meal splattered down the front,
bonus points awarded for it being one of last week's
takeaway meals.

Jeans must be of bricklayers' type exposing a minimum
standard 3 inches (or 75 mm) of bum cleavage or have a
low-slung gusset (about knee level is ideal).

Driving skills should be acquired on the stock-car circuit
- a clean driving licence will get you nowhere. A ban
for life or longer is a good start, as is no licence at
all. Before you even step inside a cab you should reach
for your copy of the Highway Code and throw it away.
The rules of the road are survival of the fastest.

Always be late for pick-ups - turning up on time is a
dead give-away of a novice hack; the real pros can't
even tell the time.

Selection of a suitable vehicle is of major
importance. To be a successful hack, you must project
the right image, something like an s reg Cortina is
what you should aspire to, failing that any early
model Japanese, Korean, Malaysian or vehicle of
eastern bloc origin will do. Body panels should be
of non-matching colours salvaged from other donor
vehicles and none should be straight.

The engine should be modified to burn a 50/50 petrol
and oil mixture.

Your attitude to customers should be abrupt at all
times, though talking endless drivel is an acceptable
alternative. Never under any circumstances be
cheerful; moaning about the weather, other drivers
and how bad business is are recommended topics of
conversation.

Heavy smoking is a must - the interior of your vehicle
must be liberally strewn with tab ends and the
atmosphere must be a permanent blue haze.


Follow these pointers and you will have a short
but glorious career on any railway station taxi
rank...


Taxi drivers??? Salt of the earth really, bless
their little cotton socks...

"Oleg Kirov" wrote in message
om...
Qualifications necessary to become a station rank
taxi driver:

Your attitude to customers should be abrupt at all
times, though talking endless drivel is an acceptable
alternative. Never under any circumstances be
cheerful; moaning about the weather, other drivers
and how bad business is are recommended topics of
conversation.

It is even better if your grasp of spoken English is limited to a couple of
obscenities (which you shout at other drivers as you cut them up). And
bonus points are awarded for those not knowing the way to ANYWHERE, even
with the help of a torn and greasy A-Z (1955 edition)

In article ,
says...

"Oleg Kirov" wrote in message
om...
Qualifications necessary to become a station rank
taxi driver:

Your attitude to customers should be abrupt at all
times, though talking endless drivel is an acceptable
alternative. Never under any circumstances be
cheerful; moaning about the weather, other drivers
and how bad business is are recommended topics of
conversation.

It is even better if your grasp of spoken English is limited to a couple of
obscenities (which you shout at other drivers as you cut them up). And
bonus points are awarded for those not knowing the way to ANYWHERE, even
with the help of a torn and greasy A-Z (1955 edition)




Any comments from the taxi fraternity?

Hit on the ead mate, dont forget we expect a tip for all that as well!

"Jim Brittin" [wake up for reply] wrote in
message m...
In article ,
says...

"Oleg Kirov" wrote in message
om...
Qualifications necessary to become a station rank
taxi driver:

Your attitude to customers should be abrupt at all
times, though talking endless drivel is an acceptable
alternative. Never under any circumstances be
cheerful; moaning about the weather, other drivers
and how bad business is are recommended topics of
conversation.

It is even better if your grasp of spoken English is limited to a couple
of
obscenities (which you shout at other drivers as you cut them up). And
bonus points are awarded for those not knowing the way to ANYWHERE, even
with the help of a torn and greasy A-Z (1955 edition)




Any comments from the taxi fraternity?

The only qualification to work a station is that you pay the rail company
for the pleasure of it.

Sound like one of them customers who wants his cab to waite around for
nothing, carry his bags and sort out his domestics, while he carries on
thinking I'm some sort of skivvy!


"Jim Brittin" [wake up for reply] wrote in
message m...
In article ,
says...

"Oleg Kirov" wrote in message
om...
Qualifications necessary to become a station rank
taxi driver:

Your attitude to customers should be abrupt at all
times, though talking endless drivel is an acceptable
alternative. Never under any circumstances be
cheerful; moaning about the weather, other drivers
and how bad business is are recommended topics of
conversation.

It is even better if your grasp of spoken English is limited to a couple
of
obscenities (which you shout at other drivers as you cut them up). And
bonus points are awarded for those not knowing the way to ANYWHERE, even
with the help of a torn and greasy A-Z (1955 edition)




Any comments from the taxi fraternity?