Qualifications necessary to become a station rank
taxi driver:


First and foremost, you must be a fat bugger, eat lots
of greasy junk food, chips, burgers, kebabs etc., never
eat proper meals; if hungry between snacks top up with
Mars bars or similar; on your annual day off go on a
bender on wicked strength euro-fizz lager.

Appearance and personal grooming are all-important; hair
is strictly optional but if you have any, have lots.
Washing/combing should be kept to a minimum;
a slicked back style is recommended for long days
in the cab - chip fat or engine oil is ideal for this.

Points can be scored for the most original/repulsive
body odours, or alternatively bonus points may be
awarded for aftershaves/deodorants etc. that smell like
Turkish brothels or tarts' window boxes. Cleaning of
teeth is discouraged (possession of teeth is strictly
optional).

The correct clothing is a must. T-shirts or sweat
shirts (sweat mandatory) must have a liberal coating
of the previous takeaway meal splattered down the front,
bonus points awarded for it being one of last week's
takeaway meals.

Jeans must be of bricklayers' type exposing a minimum
standard 3 inches (or 75 mm) of bum cleavage or have a
low-slung gusset (about knee level is ideal).

Driving skills should be acquired on the stock-car circuit
- a clean driving licence will get you nowhere. A ban
for life or longer is a good start, as is no licence at
all. Before you even step inside a cab you should reach
for your copy of the Highway Code and throw it away.
The rules of the road are survival of the fastest.

Always be late for pick-ups - turning up on time is a
dead give-away of a novice hack; the real pros can't
even tell the time.

Selection of a suitable vehicle is of major
importance. To be a successful hack, you must project
the right image, something like an s reg Cortina is
what you should aspire to, failing that any early
model Japanese, Korean, Malaysian or vehicle of
eastern bloc origin will do. Body panels should be
of non-matching colours salvaged from other donor
vehicles and none should be straight.

The engine should be modified to burn a 50/50 petrol
and oil mixture.

Your attitude to customers should be abrupt at all
times, though talking endless drivel is an acceptable
alternative. Never under any circumstances be
cheerful; moaning about the weather, other drivers
and how bad business is are recommended topics of
conversation.

Heavy smoking is a must - the interior of your vehicle
must be liberally strewn with tab ends and the
atmosphere must be a permanent blue haze.


Follow these pointers and you will have a short
but glorious career on any railway station taxi
rank...


Taxi drivers??? Salt of the earth really, bless
their little cotton socks...