*cue auto-announcer*

Good morning and welcome to all passengers. This is the 06:45 service
to Penzance via Inverness, Edinburgh Waverley, Carlisle, Preston,
Birmingham New Street, Bristol Temple Meads and Plymouth. Your driver
today is ("Mr Beckworth") and your Train Manager to Inverness is ("Mr
Dance").

Your train consists of 4 carriages. First Class is in coach A and
Standard Class is in coaches B, C and D. Coach D is the Quiet coach
where the use of mobile phones, personal stereos, general chatter,
noisy children and farting is strictly prohibited for the comfort of
other passengers wishing to rest and admire the scenic view. For the
safety of all passengers, smoking is prohibited throughout the train,
including the vestibules and toilet areas. The Store is located in
coach C, where your Store Manager ("Hi, I'm Alberta") will be
delighted to sell all passengers delicious hot drinks, beers, wines
and spirits, tasty sandwiches and confectionary as well as books, CDs
and games. Your Premium Manager ("Hi, I'm Bert") will provide an
at-seat service to all First Class passengers. Coach C also has an
internet workstation which can be used at a price of £1 for 20 minutes
use, and a payphone.

Your train will call at Georgemass Junction to set-down passengers at
07:01, Thurso at 07:11, Georgemass Junction to collect passengers,
Scotscalder at 07:30, Altnabreac at 07:39, Forsinard at 07:49,
Kinbrace at 07:58, Kildonan Sutherland at 08:07, Helmsdale at 08:20,
Brora at 08:33, Golspie at 08:43, Rogart at 08:53, Lairg at 09:06,
Invershin at 09:15, Culrain at 09:16, Ardgay at 09:20, Tain at 09:36,
Fearn at 09:42, Invergordon at 09:52, Alness at 09:56 and Dingwall at
10:08. Your train will remain at Dingwall for 10 minutes to allow the
the 08:15 service from Kyle of Lochalsh to join with your train to
form an 8-car service. Your train will then call at Muir of Ord at
10:26, Beauly at 10;32 and due to arrive into Inverness at 10:45

After a change of crew, toilet and stock replenishment, your train
will depart Inverness at 10:55, calling at Aviemore at 11:31,
Kingussie at 11:44, Pitlochry at 12:22, Perth at 12:52, Kirkcaldy at
13:27 and due to arrive into Edinburgh Waverley at 13:58, where
connections are availalbe for stations to London Kings Cross.

After a change of crew, toilet and stock replenishment and reversal,
your train will depart Edinburgh Waverley at 14:04 calling Edinburgh
Haymarket to collect passengers, Lockerbie at 15:00, Carlisle at
15:25, Penrith North Lakes at 15:38, Oxenholme for the Lake District
at 16:02, Lancaster at 16:16, Preston at 16:31, Wigan North Western at
16:46, Warrington Bank Quay at 16:55, Crewe at 17:11, Stafford at
17:34, Wolverhampton at 17:46 and due to arrive into Birmingham New
Street at 18:06, where connections are available to just about
everywhere in England.

After a change of crew, toilet and stock replenishment and reversal,
your train will depart Birmingham New Street at 18:12, calling at
Cheltenham Spa at 18:53, Bristol Parkway at 19:28 and due to arrive
into Bristol Temple Meads at 19:39, where connections are available
for stations to Reading and Wales.

After a change of crew, toilet and stock replenishment and recovery
time, your train will depart Bristol Temple Meads at 19:45, calling at
Taunton at 20:20, Tiverton Parkway at 20:32, Exeter St Davids at
20:48, Newton Abbot at 21:07 and due to arrive into Plymouth at 21:42.

After a change of crew, toilet and stock replenishment and recovery
time, your train will depart Plymouth at 21:50, calling at Liskeard at
22:13, Bodmin Parkway at 22:25, Par at 22:33, St Austell at 22:40,
Truro at 22:58, Redruth at 23:09, Camborne at 23:16, St Erth at 23:26
and due to arrive into Penzance at 23:58 with recovery time added for
any unscheduled late-running.

Your next station will be Georgemass Junction where passengers may
alight for the shuttle bus to John-o-Groats. Please remember to take
all luggage, personal belongings, shopping, food and drink and
children with you before alighting at Georgemass Junction. Thank you
for travelling with us today and we hope to see you again soon!

*cue end of auto-announcer*. Above repeated for every station
en-route.

Get lost, Pendolino - it's bad enough that uk.railway have to tolerate you
without your drivel being crossposted to uk.transport.london as well.

--
John Rowland - Spamtrapped
Transport Plans for the London Area, updated 2001
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acro...69/tpftla.html
A man's vehicle is a symbol of his manhood.
That's why my vehicle's the Piccadilly Line -
It's the size of a county and it comes every two and a half minutes

"John Rowland" wrote in message ...
Get lost, Pendolino - it's bad enough that uk.railway have to tolerate you
without your drivel being crossposted to uk.transport.london as well.

What a boring old fart you are, Mr Rowland! You cannot even take
tounge-in-cheek! And no I am not Pendolino you twit! Why not stick
to your London Transport Heritage meetings? You otherwise have
nothing interesting to contribute :-)

"Humphrey Cook-Turner" wrote in message
m...

What a boring old fart you are, Mr Rowland!
You cannot even take tounge-in-cheek!

At last - someone in the world really understands me.

--
John Rowland - Spamtrapped
Transport Plans for the London Area, updated 2001
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acro...69/tpftla.html
A man's vehicle is a symbol of his manhood.
That's why my vehicle's the Piccadilly Line -
It's the size of a county and it comes every two and a half minutes